My passport to heaven

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good....
By Maria Von Trapp, The sound of Music


My husband and I have been blessed with only one child. I don't regret having just one. It would have been great if we had more than one but I'm okay with my only child, Anna Fides Celine. She's all of 17 summers and I can't get over the fact that she's no longer a baby. I think it's worse for her to have a mom who feels this way, poor thing!

In a couple of years she'll be done with college and who knows where she'll be, what she'll do? Do I think about it? I can't even get past the thought of her having her debut this June! How does a mom face this thing squarely? This phenomenon, wonderful in some ways and scary in most...a child growing up. What parent can safely say that she has raised her daughter well or that she'll be fine on her own and that she'll know what to do? Why does it feel like I haven't done enough and that I might have made a mistake somewhere? I try to assure myself that my feelings are normal and that it's understandable to feel insecure; that no matter how we raise our children, they are bound to commit mistakes as this is part of life. But I still pray that the mistakes that she'll commit are those that can be rectified or corrected.

When Anna was a little girl, she would ask how we became her mom and dad. I used to tell her that when she was up in heaven with Papa God, she chose us to be her parents out of the millions and millions of people in the world! We are so lucky! Of course, later on when she had to be disciplined and admonished and had her taste of punishments for misdeeds, she probably wondered how she could have possibly chosen me, for instance, to be her mother when I could be so mean. (Every mother is a witch in the eyes of their kids when disciplining time comes! When cousins from the US came to visit, they exclaimed at how cool I was as a mom and Anna would look at them like they were from outer space! She would retort and tell them that she found their mom cool! Ouch!

One look at me and most people would agree with my girl. Admittedly, between her dad and me, I am the disciplinarian and do I look the part! It's just that I would be so worried that she might get into trouble or that she would find herself in harm's way if I stopped correcting or reminding her of the DO'S AND DON'Ts of life. A recipe for disaster! Any teenager would feel harassed! Can't blame her. But I somehow cannot stop myself from grabbing every opportunity to dish out a litany of reminders....sigh....

I'm still not confident if she can make it out there...what with a world of difference between what we have taught her and the reality of the world running contrary to the beliefs and the truths that we have tried to instill in her. It's a scary thought but one which I will have to face and accept...soon.

My husband, bless him, assures me that we have tried to be the best for her; that any mistakes that she might commit would be because she is growing up and that it would be part of her reality as they were part of ours when it was our time. He tells me to lift her up to God and offer her to Him so he could constantly guide and protect her. He believes that we could only do so much and will have to let life do the rest. If we did right by her, she will be fine.

I may not be the best mother in the world; with all my flaws and compulsions I don't think I'd ever be nominated Mother of the Year, any year! But I pray that despite my limitations and weaknesses as a person and mother, life would look kindly on my dear daughter and allow her to blossom into the person that God wants her to be; to be a person fully alive, basking in the love and affection of people who care for and admire her; to be someone whose heart is full of consideration and kindness for others; one who will constantly develop her gifts and become the best that she can be for herself and for God.

That shall have been my greatest achievement in life. Then I might just be able to enter heaven....

To my dearest darling baby, I love you so much!